Positive Changes – I’m Lovin’ It!

For the last few weeks I’ve taken a little break from blogging. Partly this was because I wanted to spend my time focusing on using all the tools I learnt on the Lightning Process Recovery Course. But partly it was also because I was feeling a little ambivalent, a little strange, about blogging.

You see I started writing this blog nearly a year ago at a time when I was very much fully immersed in the world of ME/CFS; at a time when I was severely ‘doing’ chronic illness without any apparent solution. So for me this blog is intrinsically linked to being ill and to a time in my life that in many ways I’d rather forget and move as far a way from as possible now that I am doing much better. In the early days of using the Lightning Process at least, it is advised to stay away from any negative triggers; by which I mean any activities, habits, routines and emotions that are associated with being ill for you – hence my need to put a little distance between myself and blogging.

However, now 46 days into my journey with the Lightning Process which is proving very much to be the key to unlocking my journey thru, and  most importantly out of, ME/CFS, I am much stronger and my health much more stable. And I can see clearly the good for the bad amongst my experience of being chronically ill. I can see that there are positive, life enhancing, joyful practices that I love and only came to during, and thanks to, my time doing chronically ill with ME/CFS. Chronic illness is a very wise teacher and overflowing with wisdom if we can just pause and acknowledge the silver lining. And I very much want to pull these positive practices through and into my life now, a life in which I am moving ever closer to doing wellness, and ever further away from ME/CFS. Take yoga, I love yoga. I am still practising daily and can not imagine not practising. I am slowly building up the duration and the intensity of my practice. And lets not forget meditation. And relaxation. And blogging. All of these activities I love and want to continue in my life. A life I love for me just wouldn’t be complete without them. And so I return happily and full of smiles to the blogging world.

I will in future posts try and explain my experience of the Lightning Process in more detail, but for today, I just want to share some of the positive changes I have achieved in the 40 odd days since I managed to break thru my ME/CFS. I have enjoyed many many positive changes, both big and small, physical and emotional. But for now here a few of my highlights:

• Cooking – I have done some form of cooking every day. I am loving it.  To begin with I baked a lot, but am taking a little break from that so that my waist line recovers before the Christmas eating show down begins. Even dairy, gluten, egg and refined sugar free baking can pack on the pounds when you have a cake and cookie habit like mine (who can honestly eat just one cookie and walk away?!) I had a moment a few weeks ago where I was stood at our hob stirring a white sauce for the chicken and mushroom pie I was making. I was stood up stirring. This was after I had stood and chopped up veggies for the pie filling and peeled lots of potatoes for the pie topping. This was also the day immediately after the night before when I had also cooked dinner and had it on the table when Mr B walked in the door. I stood there grinning to myself as I stirred the sauce. I was so happy, so full of joy and sheer relief I guess. I had wanted to be able to cook properly (not just taking food out of the freezer and reheating) for so long. It was one of the things I missed most during ME/CFS. And now I can do it again! Last night when Mr B walked in the table was laid, drinks had been poured and I was dishing up pesto crusted salmon, rice and steamed veggies – Mr B is definitely happy I’m doing more energy these days!
• Driving – this has come as a major surprise to me, Mr B and all my family. I had driven very occasionally during the 3 years of doing ME/CFS. I was just too fatigued and in too much pain to attempt something that required so much muscle action and concentration. As I started doing better with the Lightning Process I very quickly felt the urge to drive. This was a big deal for me. I grew up and have driven most in rural Lincolnshire; which is very different to driving in London where we live now. Mr B took me out for a few ‘lessons’ to refresh me. But I was amazed at how calm and confident I felt driving. I am still amazed by this! I now actively seek out opportunities to drive even collecting Mr B the other night from his football game which involved me dealing with rush hour traffic in the dark. Driving = freedom and = recovery to me. And I am loving it!
• Socialising – just under a fortnight from when I started the Lightning Process course I went shopping and out for lunch with my close friend, H. We went to the big shopping centre round the corner from where we live. We wandered around a few shops, bought far too many clothes, had a manicure and had a wonderful lunch at Jamie’s Italian. It was such a nice day. It was amazing to actually walk around a clothes shop on my own two feet, carrying my own bag, being able to browse exactly how I wanted. I felt so normal. I loved it. H commented that I used to turn an odd green colour when I was fatigued and needed to rest. That day shopping, there wasn’t a shade of green to be seen on my face, just on the clothes’ racks!
• Shopping (again….doing better energy is great for morale and wellness but proving less beneficial to my bank balance!) – a couple of weeks ago my Mum and Dad came to visit. On their last day we went shopping and out for lunch. Their train was at 6pm so I dropped them at the station and then drove to our local supermarket. This involved me driving in the busy London Friday night rush hour. I did calm throughout. Once at the supermarket I pushed my trolley around with a grin on my face like some crazy person. It might sound so simple ‘you drove to a supermarket and did some food shopping, no big deal, so what, I do that every week’. But ME/CFS robs you of the ability to do this kind of thing; it robs you of the simple things that healthy people take for granted. When you’re doing ME/CFS you tend (or at least I did) to avoid wasting your precious energy on basic things like food shopping (I always did it online) saving your energy for more interesting and life enhancing activities. Or you simply don’t have the energy to do such an activity. So it felt utterly wonderful to push that trolley, do the food shopping and drive home and unpack the shopping.
• This coming weekend Mr B and I are going to Lille in northern France on Eurostar. We’re going to visit the Christmas markets, do some (more…) shopping and generally have a wonderful, happy and relaxing time, staying in a luxury spa hotel to celebrate my new found and ever improving energy and health 🙂

I could go on and on about the positive changes I am experiencing. But I’ll leave it at that for today. Suffice it say I’ve had so many happy moments where I’ve caught myself grinning to myself, utterly joyful and happy that I’m actually doing this now. It is real! I’m doing well!

This is life and life is nothing but reality. And reality tends to pack a bit of a punch as well as showering us in good stuff. My journey with the Lightning Process has not all been plain sailing by any means and I will share the bumps in posts to come. I am also very much still on this journey, taking each day one step at a time and have much more to continue working on. That’s the great thing about the Lightning Process, you can take it as far as you want. Getting control of my physical ME/CFS symptoms such as fatigue, headaches and myalgia is just the first step for me. Now I am exploring and working on more emotional patterns (such as perfectionism, guilt, lack of self esteem etc etc) that have contributed to me pushing myself too hard too much and keeping me in the ME/CFS rut. I will get to all this in time both in resolving and sharing on my blog. But for now please revel in the positive changes I am seeing. I am so happy at the progress I have made and so incredibly excited about what is still to come.

P.S one further postive change to add: writing this post doing alert and energised, without stressing ‘will it make me tired’, having to curtail my creative juices by using that dreaded timer and pacing is just PRICELESS 🙂