14 Aug
Wading through the sticky stuff... Image credit stromnessdundee via Flickr.

Wading through the sticky stuff… Image credit stromnessdundee via Flickr.

I couldn’t think of a title, so I went with urrrrghhhh, it pretty much sums up how I’m feeling at the moment.

Do you know what I mean if I say I feel like I’m trying to swim through treacle?

It feels like there is huge resistance surrounding my body making moving really hard work. It’s as if I’m stuck in gooey treacle fighting against the stickiness, that’s how much effort it feels I’m using each time I move. Lifting my arm to get a glass out of the cupboard, my arm feels so heavy as if I’m fighting with layer upon layer of sticky molasses treacle. Β  Hard work and effort = pain.

The muscles in my arms and legs ache. They burn. Sat here on this chair with my feet flat on the ground my calves and ankles are throbbing. My joints, especially my elbows, ankles and knees ache and feel incredibly tight. As if something is wrapped round each of these body points squeezing, crushing me. I’m struggling to sit up right. I feel like I’m hunched over fighting these enormous weights bearing down on my shoulders. My neck and shoulders feel tight, tense and stiff. It hurts to pull my shoulder blades down my back and sit up right. My neck feels like it might snap in two, the vertebra of my spine are so sore. I feel like I just want to curl forward onto the table and lay myself flat. Maybe that will ease the pain.

Each time I stand up I momentarily feel like I’m going to fall down, I get so light headed the insides of my skull feel like they’re doing a somersault inside my head.

My greatest achievement. Photo by Jess B.

My greatest achievement. Photo by Jess B.

Making myself a cup of tea and getting my granola into a bowl for my breakfast this morning felt like a HUGE achievement. The thought of cleaning my teeth seems a little like climbing a mountain right now.

My heart is pounding away playing some rock bass beat super loud. When I lay down I can feel the pounding vibrations in my head, in my hands, in my legs. In some ways it’s better not to lay down.

My feet are tingling, as are my fingers.

BUTΒ I don’t have a pounding headache.

My abdomen is not as bloated as it sometimes is.

Right now, slowly typing this, my head feels clearer than it has done all morning as if spilling some of the contents of my befuddled brain into this post is clearing some of the fog.

I’m grateful for these small mercies.

Mr B and I are back in London after our two weeks holiday in France. We had a wonderful relaxing time. Though apparently little miss ME/CFS wasn’t happy with having been taken to a beautiful house in the south of France with glorious sunshine, simple home cooked delicious food and lots of R&R with all my loved ones around me. No no. Apparently she didn’t like that. To give her some credit, the first week she towed the line, ish. But each day of last week, the second week of our holiday, she rebelled like nobody’s business. Each morning I’d wake up and have a few moments lying still in bed rejoicing as I scanned my body. I felt ok. But then of course I’d move and all hell would break loose.

And swimming through treacle is where I’m currently at with my ever present little buddy. I was so tired yesterday I didn’t know what to do with myself. I tried watching TV but the noise hurt my ears. Yes really. I talked on the phone to my family a few times, but each time my throat got really scratchy and they told me I should rest. I thought about having a bath to soak my aching body but the thought of the heat of the warm water Β and having to get dry afterwards sent waves of fatigue through me. So I didn’t bother with that. Who needs to be clean anyway? I’d read a couple of pages on my Kindle and then feel my eye lids drooping and the words would start to swim. So I’d lay down and rest thinking a meditation track might sooth my friend. Temporarily it did but I was so tired I’d drift off to some semi conscious sleep state and then on waking the treacle dumped on me was even stickier and deeper and even more impossible to claw my way through to get me back to the land of the living, or the land of the semi living at least. Staring at the wall seemed like the only think ME/CFS thought I should be doing yesterday. That was about all I had the energy for, soft gaze not really focusing on anything, just staring at the blank canvass of the white wall. The world literally passing me by. I was too exhausted to engage.

I have so many half written posts swooshing around in the befuddled foggy head that is my brain today – the same as my brain was yesterday, last week, but maybe not tomorrow? A girl can always hope. But I’m too fatigued, achy, burny, sore, tired, stiff, heavy, swollen etc etc to be able to process these right now.

So you’ll have to make do with my ramblings on how I’m feeling. And now with the pain getting to breaking point in my neck and my arms burning more and more I’ll sign off. I think I spoke too soon about that headache…

I had a wonderful holiday and if this the price I have to pay then so be it. Tomorrow can only be better.


18 Responses to “Urrrrghhhh….”

  1. Linda Goodman August 14, 2013 at 10:53 am #

    Travel in your mind to a lovely place where there is peace and calm and leave your body resting quietly. I am sorry you are suffering.

    • myjourneythrume August 14, 2013 at 11:07 am #

      Thank you for your lovely comment. That is such a nice idea. I will definitely do that πŸ™‚

  2. starrystez August 14, 2013 at 11:22 am #

    Sorry to hear you’re dealing with payback. I find it really hard that doing something good will usually create more problems in the long run. But I guess having those good times if what keeps us going.

    • myjourneythrume August 14, 2013 at 3:10 pm #

      Yes we need the good times to keep us sane I think. Just unfortunate that there are after effects. Thank you for reading and commenting.

  3. thehomeschoolingdoctor August 14, 2013 at 12:04 pm #

    I just don’t understand. It doesn’t seem fair. What is going on in the body that we haven’t figured out? Why is it taking us so long to find the cause of this? Thinking of you. Take care.

    • myjourneythrume August 14, 2013 at 3:09 pm #

      Thank you Terri. I don’t understand either, I thought I’d taken things carefully enough on holiday to prevent this. Its not like i partied every night’ unless you call going to be bed by 9pm partying. There needs to be money poured into research into these illnesses and pronto!

  4. triciaruth August 14, 2013 at 12:11 pm #

    Ah yes, the delightful treacle feeling… or sometimes described as wading through semi-set concrete. Utterly hellish. Heres to it passing soon.

    • myjourneythrume August 14, 2013 at 3:07 pm #

      Semi set concrete that’s a good way of describing it too. Wading through mud, tar…possibilities are endless! Thanks for your good wishes.

  5. currankentucky August 14, 2013 at 4:27 pm #

    Wishing you better days, it’s so annoying when ME retaliates after stepping out of her zone, she (ME) is a control freak. Someday we will claw back that control and PARTY!!!

    • myjourneythrume August 14, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

      I can’t wait for that day!!! It’s even more annoying cos I thought I’d taken enough precautions and done everything right to prevent a big crash but apparently SHE had other ideas!

  6. Chronic Pain Heroes August 14, 2013 at 8:37 pm #

    I am so sorry that you are feeling so horrid. Thank you for your willingness to share every aspect of your illness. You explained your symptoms VERY well. While I have never experienced anything to that level, I have had versions of it. You are incredibly brave – your attitude shows that. I don’t know if I could cope as well (I’m not doing a great job of it now ;-). I hope your body settles down quickly. Rest well.

    • myjourneythrume August 16, 2013 at 6:49 am #

      Thank you so much. I am relieved and pleased to report I am feeling better than earlier in the week, but it is a slow road. But I’ll get there. I wondered whether I should share so much, I don’t want to seem seeking for sympathy or be negative but I do want people to understand the truth of this illness. I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling like you’re coping, I’m sure you’re doing better than you think. We all have huge amounts of inner strength, so I have discovered anyway!

  7. Molly August 14, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

    Oh dear. Sorry to hear you’ve been hurting! Hope you feel better soon. (Excellent descriptions, by the way, for whatever that’s worth!)

    • myjourneythrume August 16, 2013 at 6:43 am #

      oh thank you so much Molly. I am thankfully feeling better than earlier in the week.

  8. Linda Williams Stirling August 15, 2013 at 3:22 am #

    I’m sorry you’re feeling poorly, but I’m glad you were able to have a nice vacation. I can really relate to your description. I’ve been having a hard time lately, with every little exertion having a huge blowback. I like the suggestion to sit or lay and let your mind travel someplace peaceful as your body rests. You can review memories of your nice time in France. I wrote a poem on my blog this week called “Cage Bird”. That’s rather how I feel, confined in my house. Gentle Hugs.

    • myjourneythrume August 16, 2013 at 6:43 am #

      Thank you for your kind comment and your gentle hugs, both are very much appreciated. I have looked at my holiday pics this week and pictured myself back there. Your poem sums up very well how I’m feeling too, I loved reading it.


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